I now know I deserve everything

My job is ending in a couple weeks. I believe it is no mistake that it came to be during this time in my life that I had the opportunity to work with Seran. I likely would be reacting to the end of a contract as a time when I have to scramble to get more work. I don’t feel that way now. In fact, I feel that I need nothing, truly, and I now know I deserve everything. The right thing will come at the right time. I am looking forward to the new experience when it arises. I am grateful for it already. I really feel trusting that the right thing will happen for me at the time when it is best. I am applying for good positions, but now my focus is less on what I want and more on what I already have in my life. It has been a pleasure writing this blog and I wish everyone the best.

...all I did was fight to achieve.

I remember asking myself recently why, when I work so hard to make sure I get a certain result, does something unexpected happen? I was raised with the belief that as long as I worked hard enough, I could do anything. In fact, this is built into the fabric of American society-the American Dream. There was a time in my life lasting for years that all I did was fight to achieve, working harder than anyone else I knew. It wasn’t a happy time. When a less-than-desired result would happen, that would only make me work harder to get what I thought I “needed” at the time. I had a recent conversation with someone who complained of the same experience. That was several months ago and since then I have been wondering how to know when I should work hard and when I should let go. The answer came to me while I was involved in a project I really believe in. Someone asked me why I was spending so much time on this project, what kind of success I was seeking from it. I didn’t have an answer. I just believe in the project and decided to enjoy the work associated with it as much as possible. I’m not banking on any particular result, just the work is important and whatever results from that is what is meant to be. It was one of the first times in my life when outcome had little to do with my purpose. Then it occurred to me that I had my answer. I asked for the wisdom and it came to me naturally. I was grateful for the sense of freedom I had realized in doing something for the sake of my own personal values and becoming detached form the outcome. Now that is a gift!

I tried something different.

I have learned to feel overwhelmed when I anticipate a busy schedule. I don’t know why, but I suspect it started in graduate school and became worse during employment when life was a never-ending marathon of very hard work and little sleep. It started to bother me that I noticed myself trying to avoid doing too much, or having too many items on my agenda. It is not like me to be underproductive. When I began to question why to find out what bothered me about having commitments, I realized it was because I had been so conditioned to losing myself in my work or other obligations. I tried something different. I promised myself during the busy times that I would schedule breaks-real ones when I can be alone to collect my thoughts and hydrate and nourish myself and not feel like I have to be on a marathon. I would even take time out to rest for a couple minutes and quiet my thoughts. As soon as I penciled these times into my day I knew I was taking myself seriously, that I am a priority, but I can still be as productive and accomplished as if I had been running on batteries. It can be a beautiful life as well as a productive life and it will be for me.

I placed myself in control of my situation

I was running late this morning. I am usually on time, maybe a few minutes late, but not often. During those times when I am late I normally become anxious and try my best to get to my destination as fast as possible. I tense up and feel irresponsible. Today I was leaving my driveway five minutes before the time I would usually walk in my office. I knew I would be about 15 minutes late without delays. I right away decided not to panic or become upset and anxious. I wanted this time to be different. I acknowledged that I was late, and that I had good reason for it. I also recognized that I don’t wish to feel anxious, especially at the start if my day; and that feeling that way wouldn’t change my circumstance. I wanted to respect myself and not feel like some kind of culprit. I have been realizing just how often I act or feel like I am in the wrong. I thought of all the other times in the same situation when I would sigh heavily at a traffic light, resent other cars in my way, and generally try to beat the ticking clock, all the while feeling that I was deserving of disapproval for my circumstance. It never got me there any faster, it just left me with bad feelings. I made a choice today to get on with my day in a more dignified manner. I made it there in the same amount of time as if I would have tried to force my way there faster. The difference is I arrived with a feeling of calm and contentment. I placed myself in control of my situation and that sent very good messages to me and everyone else.I do not have to suffer to make things go well and when they don't go well, harmful feelings don't help. I recognized that I am worthy of being late and still feeling and demanding respect. It is a better way to live.

I can’t imagine ever living that way again.

I have noticed that no wisdom ever comes to me when I am busy with work or getting multiple things done. It is the same with stress. If I am preoccupied with something, it is as if I become what I am obsessing over. I lose emotional balance. I lose perspective. I am quite vulnerable during those times. It is only when I take time out to do something enjoyable or relaxing that I remember my purpose, think I am okay and know in my heart what is best for me. That is when my intuition speaks to me, when I am my wisest self. Years of my life have gone by studying, working, achieving and feeling miserable. I literally allowed my social life and personal happiness to take a back seat to whatever it was I thought I had to prove. When things wouldn’t work out the way I had imagined they should with all the hard work I was doing, I would become very disillusioned and extremely disappointed. When I was in this lifestyle of burden and failure I couldn’t see my way out of that black hole. Now I can’t imagine ever living that way again. This is the very purpose of meditation, centering oneself and quieting the voices of negativity and allowing calm and reason to set in.
I have just entered a professional competition of sorts with a person more experienced than me. This will last over a period of a few months and it will become quite intensified if I let it. I won’t. I will continue to remind myself that I have chosen this path for good reasons, none of which are attached to my self worth and character. I will do my best and strive for balance every day. I will quiet the negative thoughts daily and allow calm and reason to enter my mind. When it is over, the reason I chose to do this will have been fulfilled, regardless of the outcome. I will be wiser and more experienced, and I will have done some professional good as well. There is nothing that can claim my self worth any longer.