I really mean “want” instead.

In the past couple entries I have been referring to word choices. I put words like should and need into quotations. I want to explain why. I have been learning that what we say has a lasting effect on our mood and self esteem. Maybe this is particular to me, or maybe it is part of our culture, but I catch myself saying things like: “I should go to the store” instead of I want to go to the store. It is true that there are times when we all do things out of a sense of obligation. That’s part of life. But when we use words that imply an obligation, we are failing to recognize that we have a choice. For example, we often say “I have to pay my taxes”. Very few people would disagree with this statement, but it is true that we have a choice not to. While the choice not to pay taxes has a bad consequence, it is still our choice to do it. Recognizing where we have choice feels better. It is empowering. It makes a difference in how I see myself, less like someone who is a victim of circumstance and more like someone who has power to make choices. Try it for yourself! I still slip up and catch myself using should, must, have to, need, etc. when I really mean “want” instead. As soon as I begin to notice, I rephrase my statement. It feels better to honor the fact that I have choice.

Listen more to what I want

I have several nieces and nephews who were along for the vacation week. They are a lot of fun. A couple nights ago the youngest one was trying to decide if she "should" stay home or go with her sister and cousins to miniature golf. She had been sick this past week and knew she didn't feel her best. At 8 years old this is a big decision. She asked me several times what I thought she "should" do. She was really having a hard time with this. I asked her what she was afraid of, and she replied "of making the wrong choice". I assured her there was no wrong choice and the best answer was what she really wanted, and to listen to herself. I asked her what her intuition was telling her. Was she well enough to go or would she be more comfortable at home? Now I was really having fun because she asked me what the word intuition meant. I pointed to my chest and head and replied that it is what we feel inside. She thought for a moment and replied that she wasn't talking to herself at that time and still didn't know what to do. I noticed something with my little niece. She was insecure about a decision that was left entirely to her. She was very uncomfortable listening to herself as she has been guided by her parents and other adults in her life for her life. She was given an opportunity to practice her autonomy and still she was using terms like "should" rather than "want". Clearly the issue for her was what she wanted, not some obligation she had to meet. She is a very bright and happy child, but she was very uncomfortable with her ability to choose. It iccurred to me that I knew exactly what she was feeling because I had been in the same position so many times. I have been ruled by senses of obligation, many of which likely never existed. It was a small conversation that meant the world to me, to trust myself and to listen more to what I want. I hope my nieces and nephews notice the good example I will be setting for them. I would like that very much because they are very important to me.