I placed myself in control of my situation

I was running late this morning. I am usually on time, maybe a few minutes late, but not often. During those times when I am late I normally become anxious and try my best to get to my destination as fast as possible. I tense up and feel irresponsible. Today I was leaving my driveway five minutes before the time I would usually walk in my office. I knew I would be about 15 minutes late without delays. I right away decided not to panic or become upset and anxious. I wanted this time to be different. I acknowledged that I was late, and that I had good reason for it. I also recognized that I don’t wish to feel anxious, especially at the start if my day; and that feeling that way wouldn’t change my circumstance. I wanted to respect myself and not feel like some kind of culprit. I have been realizing just how often I act or feel like I am in the wrong. I thought of all the other times in the same situation when I would sigh heavily at a traffic light, resent other cars in my way, and generally try to beat the ticking clock, all the while feeling that I was deserving of disapproval for my circumstance. It never got me there any faster, it just left me with bad feelings. I made a choice today to get on with my day in a more dignified manner. I made it there in the same amount of time as if I would have tried to force my way there faster. The difference is I arrived with a feeling of calm and contentment. I placed myself in control of my situation and that sent very good messages to me and everyone else.I do not have to suffer to make things go well and when they don't go well, harmful feelings don't help. I recognized that I am worthy of being late and still feeling and demanding respect. It is a better way to live.

I can’t imagine ever living that way again.

I have noticed that no wisdom ever comes to me when I am busy with work or getting multiple things done. It is the same with stress. If I am preoccupied with something, it is as if I become what I am obsessing over. I lose emotional balance. I lose perspective. I am quite vulnerable during those times. It is only when I take time out to do something enjoyable or relaxing that I remember my purpose, think I am okay and know in my heart what is best for me. That is when my intuition speaks to me, when I am my wisest self. Years of my life have gone by studying, working, achieving and feeling miserable. I literally allowed my social life and personal happiness to take a back seat to whatever it was I thought I had to prove. When things wouldn’t work out the way I had imagined they should with all the hard work I was doing, I would become very disillusioned and extremely disappointed. When I was in this lifestyle of burden and failure I couldn’t see my way out of that black hole. Now I can’t imagine ever living that way again. This is the very purpose of meditation, centering oneself and quieting the voices of negativity and allowing calm and reason to set in.
I have just entered a professional competition of sorts with a person more experienced than me. This will last over a period of a few months and it will become quite intensified if I let it. I won’t. I will continue to remind myself that I have chosen this path for good reasons, none of which are attached to my self worth and character. I will do my best and strive for balance every day. I will quiet the negative thoughts daily and allow calm and reason to enter my mind. When it is over, the reason I chose to do this will have been fulfilled, regardless of the outcome. I will be wiser and more experienced, and I will have done some professional good as well. There is nothing that can claim my self worth any longer.

I had been lying to myself for years.

I find more and more each day that I am less concerned of what others think. I am all too aware that many choices I have made in my life, whether they were to do something or deny myself something, were borne of the opinions of others, strangers and family and friends. I remember feeling shame at wanting things, or denying I wanted things altogether. I also remember talking myself into the false sense that I didn’t want or need what others had when denying myself got too painful. This false impression ranged from actual belongings to happy circumstances. Then, as I materialized what was most on my mind and my life began to show signs of not getting things that I finally wanted, I began to believe I was undeserving of those things.

After all, I had finally wanted them and could not get them form some reason. What else was I supposed to think? It was all I could believe under such circumstances. I didn’t realize until recently in my life that I had only partly changed. I began to desire to possess and achieve things, not kidding myself anymore that I didn’t want them, but I never changed my thinking into feeling that I was worthy of having what I wanted. I have spent most of my adult life now caught between wishing things would change but not believing they should for my sake! This is a virtual prison.

What has changed in me in these past several weeks is that I now believe that I deserve what it is that I want. This means that, above all, no matter what others think, I still deserve them, even though I may not be surrounded by as many supporters and believers as I would expect if this world were a perfect place. The truth is that no one ever really is. I am my own compass now. The needle points to me. The result? I catch myself doing things that will directly result in what I want when the time is right. I approach people. I ask for things. I give of myself. I show my feelings instead of hide them. This has allowed me to be less afraid of hurt, less ashamed of rejection. In all the years I have lived in fear of failure, in fear of the word “no” or in fear of someone laughing at my feelings, I have denied myself what I truly want-to live freely.

I am not perfect. I catch myself getting off track here and there and falling into old ways. But the difference is that now I recognize it and I stop. I think if how refusing to take chances has prevented me from living fully in the past. And then I take my chance as if it won’t come around again in my lifetime. I had been lying to myself for years and the damage showed. Now I am living more truthfully and it feels like the right thing.