I was forgetting myself

Today I did something I have had trouble doing in the past. I didn't even try to do it, it just happened without thought or pretense. First, I would like to explain that I have wonderful family and friends. But, as nothing is perfect (and neither am I) I do know some people who can, at times, be 'plan breakers' or 'plan changers'. I normally just go with the flow. I had specific plans with someone today to do something for about an hour, no big deal, and something I was doing more for this person than for myself. This person decided to change plans and suggest something else (that would serve them-not a bad thing, it is what it is). I responded, "Oh, thanks, but I have some things I want to get done for myself" (the truth). Now, it was nothing this person couldn't do alone-a mere errand. Moreover, it didn't serve me or my needs at the time, so I declined. Normally, I would have agreed, just to accomodate the other. I noticed a look of surprise on the person's face when I responded in the way I did. I felt awkward, but just for a moment. Then it hit me, how others expect me to serve them because that was always my role! That is not a bad thing, as long as I am continuing to serve myself. My past problem was that I was forgetting myself. I proceeded to make arrangements for another time, and I went on with my day, getting so many things done I had wanted to do for a while. I don't feel guilty, I feel productive and satisfied.

It has never felt better.

My first week has been more mentally and emotionally positive. I think it is no mistake since I have decided to honor myself more. I decided that I would decide for myself how 'good' I am at things, how deserving I am of other things, what my purpose and my rights are in this world, etc. I am a very reasonable and fair person with a good amount of intellect attached to those attributes. Here is the secret I can share: The moment I consult myself, I mean really consider these questions and make these decisions for myself, then I know I have come to the most reliable conclusion, because no one knows me like I do. No one can value the things I do. Why, then do I trust others to judge me? I don't. I haven't all along. I never will perhaps, but I do, quite honestly, trust myself. Only I decide what I am , how good at something I am and where I must improve. More importantly, only I decide if I am acceptable, if I look good, even with some extra weight on me (and I often do because I care about myself!). I am who I am, not who I am trying to be, and it has never felt better.

Be True to Myself

I made the vow for this week that I talked about in my second entry because it occurred that I never have been true to myself. I know my life is in need of improvement because of it. I was raised to believe that self sacrifice was a sign of strength, and it was expected of me. I have lived enough to know that maybe that was a coping technique for being raised in a large family, but that is no way to live life. I don't even know myself from all these layers of accepting less than I know I deserve and always waiting for better times. There is no time like the present to have things improve. First, though, I need to know me. I need to find out who I am and what I need. To do this, I have actually been stopping and listening to what my mind tells me and not what I think I should think. I believe that if I find out what I want and need, what really is the answer to my being here, then I can make better choices. I am ready to accept what that is knowing that it may not, after all, be what I have been thinking I want all along. Do I want the 50 hour a week-plus job or do I want to do something on my own? Do I need a husband before I have a child (I think it is ideal, yes, but what do I want, not what others want for me). There are more possibilities out there to be considered about every aspect of my life. If I am really starting to live fully for the first time, then I am going to do what really is right for me.