I now know I deserve everything

My job is ending in a couple weeks. I believe it is no mistake that it came to be during this time in my life that I had the opportunity to work with Seran. I likely would be reacting to the end of a contract as a time when I have to scramble to get more work. I don’t feel that way now. In fact, I feel that I need nothing, truly, and I now know I deserve everything. The right thing will come at the right time. I am looking forward to the new experience when it arises. I am grateful for it already. I really feel trusting that the right thing will happen for me at the time when it is best. I am applying for good positions, but now my focus is less on what I want and more on what I already have in my life. It has been a pleasure writing this blog and I wish everyone the best.

...all I did was fight to achieve.

I remember asking myself recently why, when I work so hard to make sure I get a certain result, does something unexpected happen? I was raised with the belief that as long as I worked hard enough, I could do anything. In fact, this is built into the fabric of American society-the American Dream. There was a time in my life lasting for years that all I did was fight to achieve, working harder than anyone else I knew. It wasn’t a happy time. When a less-than-desired result would happen, that would only make me work harder to get what I thought I “needed” at the time. I had a recent conversation with someone who complained of the same experience. That was several months ago and since then I have been wondering how to know when I should work hard and when I should let go. The answer came to me while I was involved in a project I really believe in. Someone asked me why I was spending so much time on this project, what kind of success I was seeking from it. I didn’t have an answer. I just believe in the project and decided to enjoy the work associated with it as much as possible. I’m not banking on any particular result, just the work is important and whatever results from that is what is meant to be. It was one of the first times in my life when outcome had little to do with my purpose. Then it occurred to me that I had my answer. I asked for the wisdom and it came to me naturally. I was grateful for the sense of freedom I had realized in doing something for the sake of my own personal values and becoming detached form the outcome. Now that is a gift!

I tried something different.

I have learned to feel overwhelmed when I anticipate a busy schedule. I don’t know why, but I suspect it started in graduate school and became worse during employment when life was a never-ending marathon of very hard work and little sleep. It started to bother me that I noticed myself trying to avoid doing too much, or having too many items on my agenda. It is not like me to be underproductive. When I began to question why to find out what bothered me about having commitments, I realized it was because I had been so conditioned to losing myself in my work or other obligations. I tried something different. I promised myself during the busy times that I would schedule breaks-real ones when I can be alone to collect my thoughts and hydrate and nourish myself and not feel like I have to be on a marathon. I would even take time out to rest for a couple minutes and quiet my thoughts. As soon as I penciled these times into my day I knew I was taking myself seriously, that I am a priority, but I can still be as productive and accomplished as if I had been running on batteries. It can be a beautiful life as well as a productive life and it will be for me.

I placed myself in control of my situation

I was running late this morning. I am usually on time, maybe a few minutes late, but not often. During those times when I am late I normally become anxious and try my best to get to my destination as fast as possible. I tense up and feel irresponsible. Today I was leaving my driveway five minutes before the time I would usually walk in my office. I knew I would be about 15 minutes late without delays. I right away decided not to panic or become upset and anxious. I wanted this time to be different. I acknowledged that I was late, and that I had good reason for it. I also recognized that I don’t wish to feel anxious, especially at the start if my day; and that feeling that way wouldn’t change my circumstance. I wanted to respect myself and not feel like some kind of culprit. I have been realizing just how often I act or feel like I am in the wrong. I thought of all the other times in the same situation when I would sigh heavily at a traffic light, resent other cars in my way, and generally try to beat the ticking clock, all the while feeling that I was deserving of disapproval for my circumstance. It never got me there any faster, it just left me with bad feelings. I made a choice today to get on with my day in a more dignified manner. I made it there in the same amount of time as if I would have tried to force my way there faster. The difference is I arrived with a feeling of calm and contentment. I placed myself in control of my situation and that sent very good messages to me and everyone else.I do not have to suffer to make things go well and when they don't go well, harmful feelings don't help. I recognized that I am worthy of being late and still feeling and demanding respect. It is a better way to live.

I can’t imagine ever living that way again.

I have noticed that no wisdom ever comes to me when I am busy with work or getting multiple things done. It is the same with stress. If I am preoccupied with something, it is as if I become what I am obsessing over. I lose emotional balance. I lose perspective. I am quite vulnerable during those times. It is only when I take time out to do something enjoyable or relaxing that I remember my purpose, think I am okay and know in my heart what is best for me. That is when my intuition speaks to me, when I am my wisest self. Years of my life have gone by studying, working, achieving and feeling miserable. I literally allowed my social life and personal happiness to take a back seat to whatever it was I thought I had to prove. When things wouldn’t work out the way I had imagined they should with all the hard work I was doing, I would become very disillusioned and extremely disappointed. When I was in this lifestyle of burden and failure I couldn’t see my way out of that black hole. Now I can’t imagine ever living that way again. This is the very purpose of meditation, centering oneself and quieting the voices of negativity and allowing calm and reason to set in.
I have just entered a professional competition of sorts with a person more experienced than me. This will last over a period of a few months and it will become quite intensified if I let it. I won’t. I will continue to remind myself that I have chosen this path for good reasons, none of which are attached to my self worth and character. I will do my best and strive for balance every day. I will quiet the negative thoughts daily and allow calm and reason to enter my mind. When it is over, the reason I chose to do this will have been fulfilled, regardless of the outcome. I will be wiser and more experienced, and I will have done some professional good as well. There is nothing that can claim my self worth any longer.

I had been lying to myself for years.

I find more and more each day that I am less concerned of what others think. I am all too aware that many choices I have made in my life, whether they were to do something or deny myself something, were borne of the opinions of others, strangers and family and friends. I remember feeling shame at wanting things, or denying I wanted things altogether. I also remember talking myself into the false sense that I didn’t want or need what others had when denying myself got too painful. This false impression ranged from actual belongings to happy circumstances. Then, as I materialized what was most on my mind and my life began to show signs of not getting things that I finally wanted, I began to believe I was undeserving of those things.

After all, I had finally wanted them and could not get them form some reason. What else was I supposed to think? It was all I could believe under such circumstances. I didn’t realize until recently in my life that I had only partly changed. I began to desire to possess and achieve things, not kidding myself anymore that I didn’t want them, but I never changed my thinking into feeling that I was worthy of having what I wanted. I have spent most of my adult life now caught between wishing things would change but not believing they should for my sake! This is a virtual prison.

What has changed in me in these past several weeks is that I now believe that I deserve what it is that I want. This means that, above all, no matter what others think, I still deserve them, even though I may not be surrounded by as many supporters and believers as I would expect if this world were a perfect place. The truth is that no one ever really is. I am my own compass now. The needle points to me. The result? I catch myself doing things that will directly result in what I want when the time is right. I approach people. I ask for things. I give of myself. I show my feelings instead of hide them. This has allowed me to be less afraid of hurt, less ashamed of rejection. In all the years I have lived in fear of failure, in fear of the word “no” or in fear of someone laughing at my feelings, I have denied myself what I truly want-to live freely.

I am not perfect. I catch myself getting off track here and there and falling into old ways. But the difference is that now I recognize it and I stop. I think if how refusing to take chances has prevented me from living fully in the past. And then I take my chance as if it won’t come around again in my lifetime. I had been lying to myself for years and the damage showed. Now I am living more truthfully and it feels like the right thing.

I really mean “want” instead.

In the past couple entries I have been referring to word choices. I put words like should and need into quotations. I want to explain why. I have been learning that what we say has a lasting effect on our mood and self esteem. Maybe this is particular to me, or maybe it is part of our culture, but I catch myself saying things like: “I should go to the store” instead of I want to go to the store. It is true that there are times when we all do things out of a sense of obligation. That’s part of life. But when we use words that imply an obligation, we are failing to recognize that we have a choice. For example, we often say “I have to pay my taxes”. Very few people would disagree with this statement, but it is true that we have a choice not to. While the choice not to pay taxes has a bad consequence, it is still our choice to do it. Recognizing where we have choice feels better. It is empowering. It makes a difference in how I see myself, less like someone who is a victim of circumstance and more like someone who has power to make choices. Try it for yourself! I still slip up and catch myself using should, must, have to, need, etc. when I really mean “want” instead. As soon as I begin to notice, I rephrase my statement. It feels better to honor the fact that I have choice.

Listen more to what I want

I have several nieces and nephews who were along for the vacation week. They are a lot of fun. A couple nights ago the youngest one was trying to decide if she "should" stay home or go with her sister and cousins to miniature golf. She had been sick this past week and knew she didn't feel her best. At 8 years old this is a big decision. She asked me several times what I thought she "should" do. She was really having a hard time with this. I asked her what she was afraid of, and she replied "of making the wrong choice". I assured her there was no wrong choice and the best answer was what she really wanted, and to listen to herself. I asked her what her intuition was telling her. Was she well enough to go or would she be more comfortable at home? Now I was really having fun because she asked me what the word intuition meant. I pointed to my chest and head and replied that it is what we feel inside. She thought for a moment and replied that she wasn't talking to herself at that time and still didn't know what to do. I noticed something with my little niece. She was insecure about a decision that was left entirely to her. She was very uncomfortable listening to herself as she has been guided by her parents and other adults in her life for her life. She was given an opportunity to practice her autonomy and still she was using terms like "should" rather than "want". Clearly the issue for her was what she wanted, not some obligation she had to meet. She is a very bright and happy child, but she was very uncomfortable with her ability to choose. It iccurred to me that I knew exactly what she was feeling because I had been in the same position so many times. I have been ruled by senses of obligation, many of which likely never existed. It was a small conversation that meant the world to me, to trust myself and to listen more to what I want. I hope my nieces and nephews notice the good example I will be setting for them. I would like that very much because they are very important to me.

I stopped mid sentence

This is the second entry about the extended family vacation. I caught myself when I was about to engage in a battle of words with a family member who is especially contentious. I actually started to engage this person, as the particular situation was ridiculous and "needed" attention. Wrong. It occurred to me that if I bother with the situation, then I adopt it. I give it importance in my life. It is funny how some things from my discussions with Seran come back to me at times in my life when I least expect it, but when it is most helpful. I stopped mid sentence. That was it. I could have never done that before without making a comment about how not worth my energy it all was. The old me. I choose a much better life than to fall for attention demanding tactics from another individual. Nothing needs my attention that would allow me to feel upset, annoyed. I don't need to set anyone straight. I don't even want to. Walking away was liberating.

being concerned with one's own self is not at all selfish

I spent a lot of time with family this past holiday week. It is a mix of fun, relaxation and tension. I suppose it is inevitable that when adults who have spent their childhood together are together once more in a small space, well, you can imagine some of the things that are going on in my mind right now. I don;t want to relive it in the written word. It's the little things in life that irk us the most. I have learned in this past month to be concerned only with my own interests and needs (within reason, and that is really condensing a very broad topic, so add a grain of salt here). All I can say is THANK GOD. Suddenly the habitual thoughtlessness that is characteristic of some of the middle children with whom I am associated didn't bother me. If the messy trail left by one prevented me from doing what I needed to accomplish, then I picked it up and carried on with my own thing. If it didn't then I reminded myself that I am not trained to be a maid and trusted that it would take care of itself. I also realized that these times, although tense in some moments, will not last forever, so I took what enjoyment I could and left the rest. I read a book I had been wanting to, I even took naps here and there and, of course, made sure I was spending my own time alone and relaxing each day. I also realized that being concerned with one's own self is not at all selfish, it is necessary to living a good life.

New Habits

The now former supervisor has left the job, and life should be much more reasonable now. The element of deceit will no longer be there, and the resulting toxic social environment will subside as well, I believe. I was asked to handle some extra responsibility and perhaps remain on longer. I have a feeling the higher ups understand what has been going on in the office. We'll see what happens. I need to move on, but I don;t want to turn down an opportunity. There is some negotiating to do, and I have to think about this for a few days to figure out what I want. The key to agreement is knowing what we want. It is not always so obvious, especially with me, because I have been so out of practice listening to my own needs. That i a thing of the past and I have replaced it with the new habit of listening to myself. I will write the outcome when I know it.

There is always time for an "oasis" in the day

It has been a very busy week, both at work and in my personal life. I have had very little time home and very little time to rest. It just happens that way sometimes. I anticipated getting more free time than I actually did, and doing my relaxation exercises at that time. I didn't do that enough this week. My mood was still very good, but I could sense that I was more tired than I have been in the last couple weeks. It is due to the lack of rest, both sleep and waking rest when I breath deeply and relax myself. I look back on the week and realize that I accomplished a lot, and that is good, but I was not thriving at all. I know this is the way life is when we have more pressure than usual, but it doesn;t have to be. There is always time for an "oasis" in the day and I don't allow myself this luxury. I also realized that very little wisdom comes to me in times of stress. Rather, my intuition operates on a more basic level. My times of insight and intuition are usually during those times when I can concentrate on my core. I am making this a scheduled event in every day of my life from this point on.

Men look at me a lot more now.

I noticed something lately. Men look at me a lot more now. I can only attribute this to all the positive personal changes I have made. I don' think they are all weight loss related. I have had a very good weight loss month, yes, but I am not near to my goal. I think it is more the result of feeling peaceful and happy, thinking good thoughts and letting them project through me. Instead of worrying so much about my outer appearance all the time, I am more concerned about what is within. I imagine that I am guarding a core that is inside me, keeping things I consider important close to it, and paying little attention to the rest. It has brought me peace and comfort and it must show somehow, because people react to me differently now.

I was forgetting myself

Today I did something I have had trouble doing in the past. I didn't even try to do it, it just happened without thought or pretense. First, I would like to explain that I have wonderful family and friends. But, as nothing is perfect (and neither am I) I do know some people who can, at times, be 'plan breakers' or 'plan changers'. I normally just go with the flow. I had specific plans with someone today to do something for about an hour, no big deal, and something I was doing more for this person than for myself. This person decided to change plans and suggest something else (that would serve them-not a bad thing, it is what it is). I responded, "Oh, thanks, but I have some things I want to get done for myself" (the truth). Now, it was nothing this person couldn't do alone-a mere errand. Moreover, it didn't serve me or my needs at the time, so I declined. Normally, I would have agreed, just to accomodate the other. I noticed a look of surprise on the person's face when I responded in the way I did. I felt awkward, but just for a moment. Then it hit me, how others expect me to serve them because that was always my role! That is not a bad thing, as long as I am continuing to serve myself. My past problem was that I was forgetting myself. I proceeded to make arrangements for another time, and I went on with my day, getting so many things done I had wanted to do for a while. I don't feel guilty, I feel productive and satisfied.

It has never felt better.

My first week has been more mentally and emotionally positive. I think it is no mistake since I have decided to honor myself more. I decided that I would decide for myself how 'good' I am at things, how deserving I am of other things, what my purpose and my rights are in this world, etc. I am a very reasonable and fair person with a good amount of intellect attached to those attributes. Here is the secret I can share: The moment I consult myself, I mean really consider these questions and make these decisions for myself, then I know I have come to the most reliable conclusion, because no one knows me like I do. No one can value the things I do. Why, then do I trust others to judge me? I don't. I haven't all along. I never will perhaps, but I do, quite honestly, trust myself. Only I decide what I am , how good at something I am and where I must improve. More importantly, only I decide if I am acceptable, if I look good, even with some extra weight on me (and I often do because I care about myself!). I am who I am, not who I am trying to be, and it has never felt better.

Be True to Myself

I made the vow for this week that I talked about in my second entry because it occurred that I never have been true to myself. I know my life is in need of improvement because of it. I was raised to believe that self sacrifice was a sign of strength, and it was expected of me. I have lived enough to know that maybe that was a coping technique for being raised in a large family, but that is no way to live life. I don't even know myself from all these layers of accepting less than I know I deserve and always waiting for better times. There is no time like the present to have things improve. First, though, I need to know me. I need to find out who I am and what I need. To do this, I have actually been stopping and listening to what my mind tells me and not what I think I should think. I believe that if I find out what I want and need, what really is the answer to my being here, then I can make better choices. I am ready to accept what that is knowing that it may not, after all, be what I have been thinking I want all along. Do I want the 50 hour a week-plus job or do I want to do something on my own? Do I need a husband before I have a child (I think it is ideal, yes, but what do I want, not what others want for me). There are more possibilities out there to be considered about every aspect of my life. If I am really starting to live fully for the first time, then I am going to do what really is right for me.

First meeting with Seran, Life Coach

I didn't know what to expect for my first meeting with Seran. I had heard of life coaches, certainly. I have even thought it might be a great idea to go to one. I never ever thought I would actually do it. Yet there I was, following the direction Seran gave me to get to her office, and thinking all the while, "I am pretty lucky to have this opportunity." The time for this in my life could not be better. Just the day before I had learned that the temporary job I have while I am looking for full time employment in my highly specialized field is ending this summer. No more bad pay and part time hours, no more partial insurance, none of which I ever complained about because I felt lucky to even have that little for the time being. I honestly felt there was no mistake that I was about to meet a woman who seemed over the phone like she has more energy and insight to share in one phone call than some people have in a lifetime.
I was nervous at first, but I let Seran guide me through the first session. I knew this would take some work, and I was willing. At the end it occurred to me that no one ever told me until that session with Seran what was correct about me, what I did well. I talked about many of the problems I wrote about in my intro blog. One "aha" moment I had was learning through her example just how to be the master of my own thoughts and feelings. Face it, we are all living this life. No one can prevent sadness and disappointment. They are part of living. But we can prevent them from harming our lives by changing perspective, actually thinking differently about a set of circustances. This is not mere optimism, as it is with 'the glass is half full'. To me, it means looking at a circumstance in truth and deciding to frame it differently. This may involve admitting we do not know whether an event that appears to be negative is really bad; but admitting that, because I do not know all there is to know, this could be the plan playing out.
There is a lot of freedom in admitting that we are not all-powerful and do not know everything there is to know. It is hopeful. It is also honest. After all, it is the way it is. And so I am giving myself permission to live this week without having to be perfect, and without having to act like a doormat just to be accepted. I am vowing this week to be true to myself, my needs, my desires and my feelings without fear. It is the only way to live.

A Little bit about me - Karen

People who know me know that I want to change everything about my life...and they agree with me. I am in a spot I cannot seem to get out of. I am 42, highly educated, unable to get a proper job that matches my education and abilities, and I am exactly 5 days away from my bariatric surgery that promises to save me from my life of obesity. It also presents new challenges I have never had to face before. I have never been married, and I want to be; and I have no children and would like very much to have a child in my life, a loving family of my own.
When one considers that I have lost several people who are closest to me in my family over the years, it is a wonder to them that I am still trying for a better life. The truth is, I never stop hoping things will change and working toward that. I am not afraid of change. I welcome it. Aside from the bereavement I have suffered, I think many of my problems stem from a life long battle with my wieght, trying to change it for years through diet, then giving up on that and trying to concentrate on self acceptance. The truth is harsh but real, no matter if an overweight woman accepts herself, much of society does not. Hence, my trouble getting the employment I deserve or a partner in life I feel I deserve.
I knew my self esteem had suffered greatly through the years, not only from my weight issues and the rejection that brings, but from having to say goodbye to my father at 13, my brother at 23 and now my sister and closest friend 10 a year ago. Well, ready or not, my life is about to change and I want it to be for the better. I want everything in life I have dreamed of and I want to be able to give more to others than I thought I ever had. I have never been afraid to work hard for anything, I have only ever needed a chance. I am ready to live fully for the first time ever and I could really use your help getting centered, getting peaceful and getting my mind to accept what miracles may lie ahead. Take my hand and walk me to the starting line, please, so I can finally begin to run!