I had been lying to myself for years.

I find more and more each day that I am less concerned of what others think. I am all too aware that many choices I have made in my life, whether they were to do something or deny myself something, were borne of the opinions of others, strangers and family and friends. I remember feeling shame at wanting things, or denying I wanted things altogether. I also remember talking myself into the false sense that I didn’t want or need what others had when denying myself got too painful. This false impression ranged from actual belongings to happy circumstances. Then, as I materialized what was most on my mind and my life began to show signs of not getting things that I finally wanted, I began to believe I was undeserving of those things.

After all, I had finally wanted them and could not get them form some reason. What else was I supposed to think? It was all I could believe under such circumstances. I didn’t realize until recently in my life that I had only partly changed. I began to desire to possess and achieve things, not kidding myself anymore that I didn’t want them, but I never changed my thinking into feeling that I was worthy of having what I wanted. I have spent most of my adult life now caught between wishing things would change but not believing they should for my sake! This is a virtual prison.

What has changed in me in these past several weeks is that I now believe that I deserve what it is that I want. This means that, above all, no matter what others think, I still deserve them, even though I may not be surrounded by as many supporters and believers as I would expect if this world were a perfect place. The truth is that no one ever really is. I am my own compass now. The needle points to me. The result? I catch myself doing things that will directly result in what I want when the time is right. I approach people. I ask for things. I give of myself. I show my feelings instead of hide them. This has allowed me to be less afraid of hurt, less ashamed of rejection. In all the years I have lived in fear of failure, in fear of the word “no” or in fear of someone laughing at my feelings, I have denied myself what I truly want-to live freely.

I am not perfect. I catch myself getting off track here and there and falling into old ways. But the difference is that now I recognize it and I stop. I think if how refusing to take chances has prevented me from living fully in the past. And then I take my chance as if it won’t come around again in my lifetime. I had been lying to myself for years and the damage showed. Now I am living more truthfully and it feels like the right thing.